absolute war zone

the cleanliness of my room and office is 100% dependent on whether i'm talking to a girl or not. this is not a joke. this is not an exaggeration. this is a scientifically observable phenomenon that i have tested and confirmed across multiple years of data.

right now? absolute war zone. no further questions.

but let me explain how the cycle works because i know every single guy reading this is nodding along pretending they can't relate.

phase 1 - single. the room is a disaster. clothes on the floor. dishes from 3 days ago on the desk. a collection of empty zyn cans that could qualify as modern art. the office chair has become a second closet. there are cables everywhere. the bed is “made” in the sense that the blanket is technically on it. this is the baseline. this is equilibrium.

phase 2 - talking to someone. she hasn't come over yet but it's heading that direction. suddenly you're looking around your room like you're seeing it for the first time. is that... a plate from last tuesday? have those clothes been on that chair for a week? the awareness kicks in. you start cleaning. not because you want to. because the alternative is her walking in and immediately walking out.

phase 3 - she's coming over. this is where men become the most efficient versions of themselves. i have cleaned my entire apartment in 45 minutes flat when a girl texted “omw.” that level of productivity is unmatched. no project management tool, no productivity hack, no morning routine will ever compete with the raw urgency of a woman being 20 minutes away from seeing your living space. the room goes from condemned building to pottery barn in under an hour. it's genuinely impressive.

phase 4 - the relationship. the room stays clean. consistently. almost effortlessly. not because she's there all the time. but because the standard has been set and now you just... maintain it. this is the golden era. you have throw pillows. you bought a candle. there's a plant that's somehow still alive. you don't recognize yourself.

phase 5 - it ends. the room knows before you do. the dishes start piling up. the laundry chair returns. the candle is out. the plant is not doing well. and just like that you're back to phase 1. full circle.

i've run through this cycle enough times to know it's inevitable. i've accepted it. i don't fight it anymore. when the room is clean, things are going well. when it's not, i'm either single or going through something. it's the most honest barometer of my life.

some guys will read this and say they keep their place clean regardless. and to those guys i say - i don't believe you. or you have a cleaning lady. or you're lying. one of the three.

anyway. if anyone needs me i'll be in my war zone. send help. or a girl. either works.